A New Year.

It’s a new year, and as much as I wish it came with a restart button that brought us each back to full battery, it doesn’t really work that way. As 2020 finally comes to a close, I decided to take a look back at my journey specifically with grief and healing. The 'newness' of my move has started to wear off, and as I'm nearing the 1 year anniversary of an extremely hard blow, a lot of my anxiety and grief has bubbled up to the surface. One thing I know to be true after 11 months of processing, is that "getting through" something doesn't necessarily means you've reached the other side once you've gone through it. As hopeful and positive as I try to be every day, I still carry a heavy weight with me. I think about how just 1 year ago today I was still in the dark about what was about to transpire. I had no clue—not even a hint—of what was about to unravel within myself and so many others. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing I could go back to how I felt this week a year ago. When I still felt a sense of control over my life. It wasn’t fair what happened. I can say that now without feeling guilt. It wasn’t fair to not have a choice and it wasn’t fair to be robbed of closure and goodbyes. It’s been nearly impossible to do that from afar, let alone during a global pandemic. I’m giving myself the time and space and grace needed to still be not okay with that.

On New Year’s Eve I went to the grocery store and I saw Asian pears. It’s something I used to buy at the market down the road from us in China. Hidden behind what used to be our favorite dumpling restaurant and the original noodle spot, next to the empty river, across from BBQ, and a block from our friends. The pears don’t have much significance. They don't have some big story that has to do with my life there or the kids. They are honestly pretty bland, and for some reason I always liked the texture. I used to sprinkle cinnamon on them (to pretend they had flavor) and I think I was the only one in the house who ate them. At the grocery store here in Nashville I saw them and picked one up. The feeling of it in my hand immediately took me back to that little market. January 1st, bundled in coats, the glorious smell of roasted chestnuts churning in the same spot the best strawberries are sold in the spring. I stood in the produce section and felt happy at first, and then anger and sadness. I didn’t choose to not be standing in that market this January. I stood there in Kroger so desperately wanting to be buying that tasteless pear in the cold and clunky market, just because, then pick up a winter pomelo, and talk myself out of buying the intoxicating chestnuts because I know they smell significantly better than they taste. I wanted to drive my scooter back to that big blue building and talk to the ayi about how cold it is outside and convince her my coat was warm enough. I wanted to wave at sweet rosy cheeked babies in the hallway and tell my friends in the kitchen about how badly I butchered Chinese, then a little later I'd hear our friends family come up the elevator and yell “Xīn Nián Kuài Lè!” And we all rush down the hallway like we didn’t just see them yesterday, and we'd talk about what NYE games and food we have planned. Then later we‘d finally put on our colorful wigs and spend the night at KTV (a truly unique karaoke experience).

That entire scenario washed over me like a cold gust of wind, all because of a weird looking pear I picked up at the Kroger grocery store in Nashville, TN.

We don’t “move on” or “get through” hard seasons. They come at you in any direction at any time. What we can do, is “move on” and “get through” one moment at a time.

That night I miraculously still rung in the New Year with some of those friends I pictured in the hallway. I laughed and talked and honestly had a really great time. I moved on. I got through it. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball bounding back and forth between feelings of gratitude and contentment for where I am, then ricocheted back to feelings of sorrow and anger for where I am. It reminds me once again how we can hold both brokenness and beauty in our hands at all times. I'm so thankful for where I am and the people I'm surrounded by. I'm so thankful to have spent Christmas with my family and be present with them for the first time in several years. I'm so thankful for the current health of myself and my close family and friends. It doesn't change the thoughts that went through my head in that grocery store a few days ago. Those feelings were real too. After 11 months of learning, I now know that all of that is normal, expected, and okay. I had a really lovely NYE and I'm so happy to have been exactly where I was. I also wish it had been somewhere else. It doesn't make any sense, and yet it's the most true depiction of my heart this past year.

This year I don’t have any resolutions. I’m letting myself be. I’m giving myself all the time and grace in the world to take each day at a time. Whether I’m enjoying good company, food, new places, or hunkered down in my new space...or I’m standing in the middle of a grocery store feeling the wind knocked out of me...I’m going to let myself feel it all, be it all. I’m going to do better at caring for myself today. However that may look.

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Audrey Assad

Your Peace Will Make Us One

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Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord You are speaking truth to power, you are laying down our swords Replanting every vineyard 'til a brand new wine is poured Your peace will make us one

I've seen you in our home fires burning with a quiet light You are mothering and feeding in the wee hours of the night Your gentle love is patient, you will never fade or tire Your peace will make us one

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Your peace will make us one

In the beauty of the lilies, you were born across the sea With a glory in your bosom that is still transfiguring Dismantling our empires 'til each one of us is free Your peace will make us one

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Your peace will make us one Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Your peace will make us one