She's (still) Prone to Wander

I want to write again. I've been wanting to write again, but I didn't know where to start or what to even write about. As China slips further and further away from me, so do my sleepless nights, the everyday reminders of my life there, and the hope of my return. Though my heart will always ache for it--the life and memories forever frozen in time--the constant need to pour out my grief onto a keyboard has faded. I don't know when, but slowly, quietly, I eased into an acceptance. A well-fought battle, one that was not without its bruises and scars. It wasn't a light switch that suddenly turned on and I was miraculously healed. It wasn't a dramatic outburst of anger, a defining moment of closure, or even an awareness of it. But here I am, having not written since January of 2022, and I'm feeling pretty good. I won't say "I got through it" and I won't say "I'm on the other side of it". This isn't helpful and it isn't true. The pain has dulled, the anxiety is medicated, and the grief has found some sacred place inside me that feels known, yet, peaceful. The memories are not forgotten, and my promise to continue to shout their worth with forever hold steadfast.

But here I am, writing again because I think I have more thoughts to get out. And who knows, maybe they will be thoughts that read relatable to a friend or relative I haven't shared them with, or someone I've lost touch with, or even a stranger. Or maybe not. But I felt the old and familiar probe that I knew wouldn't go away until I opened up my laptop, (renewed my domain), and dumped it out on the keys.

I don't really know what this blog is if it's not the overwhelming chaos of processing grief and healing, but its title is "She's Prone to Wander" and this is still true. I'm wandering, I'm searching, I'm journeying, I'm worrying, I'm stressing, I'm laughing, I'm learning, I'm working, I'm socializing, I'm growing, and yes--I'm still grieving and healing.

“The sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing, and out in the wild, you are growing. Days may go by without change you can feel, but what's happening here is most certainly real: You are becoming what you were meant to become out in the wild in the arms of the sun.” ― Morgan Harper Nichols

I have some topics in mind that I'd like to write about and I think I will. But for now, I'm saying "hi". I'm still here. I'm okay.