Fragile.

Well, what a year. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind that feels like it scooped me up and dropped me a few states over (by way of a 20hr drive). To say I never

saw myself here would be an understatement. Then again, none of us are probably exactly where we thought we'd be. In just 5 years my life has drastically changed in more than a few ways, and I feel as if I'll be playing catch up for the rest of my life. When I was dropped in the states 10 months ago, I hit the ground pretty hard. This time, I landed more softly--my heart was prepared a little more carefully, and with my head a little more clear. My sweet sweet roommate welcomed me into her home as if it were my own, and we've already had lots of chats and laughs and I'm really truly thankful for everything she is to me. Not only that, but we are surrounded by a portion of our China family and it feels like God is being so very kind. I started a part-time job helping out a really lovely family who has made me feel needed and right where I should be. Now I'm reentering the work in China remotely with New Hope Foundation, and it feels somewhat like a lifeline. That red thread connecting me back 'home'. It's different, and there's a sting whenever I see photos come through my computer screen instead of through the lens of my camera. It hurts to see them growing up and changing; to get updates on them through others and not from my own experiences or classroom. But I'm starting to believe I'm right where I'm meant to be. It's hard and often sad, but it also feels quiet and safe. I'm in a space of calm--watching the dust settle around me from a long and raging storm.

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” -Maya Angelo

I was talking with a friend recently about the year 2020 and what it's left in its wake.There's not one person I know that hasn't been greatly impacted by the affects of the pandemic. I mentioned how everything about this past year has felt so fragile. Work, plans, health, relationships, trust. Nothing feels stable or concrete. It's almost Christmas which means it's been almost a year since my world (and soon after, everyone else's) was turned upside down. It's truly hard to believe. We have all been in a state of utter confusion and exhaustion for what is now months on end. Even our bodies feel fragile. The camaraderie and solidarity we had back in March has fizzled. The lofty goals of baking and getting in shape are all failed ideas. We're tired. Our minds are fragile, our nerves, our energy, our hearts. Our hope. Christmastime mentions that word a lot. It also mentions joy, peace, love. I can't imagine a December without those being the anthem. Through this pandemic, division and unrest is trying it's hardest to try and take those things away–to wear us down and lead us to give in to a battle lost.

I refuse to let that be true. If I've learned anything in my relatively short life, it's that human beings are the most resilient creature on earth. Because we can be at our absolute lowest–completely battered and bruised–and sometimes all it takes is a kind word, a smile, an outstretched hand, a beautiful sunrise, a kiss from a dog, a call from a friend, just the right lyrics, or quiet prayer, and it gives us the strength to get back up again. This can happen to a person over and over and over again. God didn't create us to be invincible creatures of force. He created us to see that "without the weariness there is no hope". Then showed us how to cling to it. He taught us how to ask for help and help others in return. He taught us that no matter how many times we get knocked down, it's possible to get back up. But we can't do it alone.

“Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did.”

I'm a sucker for basically anything that feels like community right now. Literally, I cry during every one of the sing-alongs on Disney+ simply because they mention something endearing about "we're in this together". The Macy's Day Parade had me WEEPING as they stood with their little smiley-face masks and showed reels of past parades of crowds gathering and standing shockingly close together. I can barely talk about the moment in April(?) when the video of different countries shouting cheers of encouragement out their windows to each other without getting choked up. And I promise you I will sob when we stand outside on Dec 24th with bells ringing to our neighbors letting us know that we're still here. All this to say, I think everyone feels this way, and it's a good reminder for me to realize this and in the deep divide of our battered country, I know at the heart of it is a people who desperately need and want connection. And by country, I obviously mean world. Because goodness knows it's battered right now, and goodness knows the people in it matter.

“It is really wonderful how much resilience there is in human nature. Let any obstructing cause, no matter what, be removed in any way, even by death, and we fly back to first principles of hope." -Bram Stoker

Maybe we needed to see just how fragile our life and planet and relationships are, so that we can work twice as hard in the future to build stronger foundations. We're a tenacious bunch, and maybe it's the holiday spirit in me talking, but I truly do believe in us. So this Christmas I'm choosing to see it all. The hurt, the anger, the exhaustion and sorrow. I'm also choosing to see the good. The joy, the calm, the quiet sweetness...the helpers. It's amazing how much China has taught me about what's in my backyard, and from the babies how much I've learned about myself. I will forever carry them in the highest admiration.

"Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is Love and His gospel is Peace;

Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,

And in his name all oppression shall cease,

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we;

Let all within us praise his Holy name!"

This Christmas may be fragile--but Jesus is there with hands cupped, ready to catch each crumbling piece.

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I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day:

I heard the bells on Christmas day Their old familiar carols play, And wild and sweet the words repeat Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come, The belfries of all Christendom Had rolled along the unbroken song Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way The world revolved from night to day, A voice, a chime, a chant sublime Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head “There is no peace on earth, ” I said, “For hate is strong and mocks the song Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: “God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; The wrong shall fail, the right prevail With peace on earth, good will to men.”